I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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