If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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