and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
