he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Two words: blizzard sex
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
