Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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