He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
