I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
