It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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