hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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