boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
