She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
