just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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