Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
