he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
