just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I forget how to act sober
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize