my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
