Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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