turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
