Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
