went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
