I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize