Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
