Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
