we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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