I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
