Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
