All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize