My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
