I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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