the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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