I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize