i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
