I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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