i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
