I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I believe in your delicious
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
