you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
