Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
