tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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