My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
