Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
