Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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