I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
