So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
