drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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