i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
