My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
