I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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