and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
