I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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