Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
