I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
pray to the hookup gods
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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