So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
