New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
