He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize