I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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