ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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