Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You are a genius and a whore.
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