either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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